Stigma and suicide don't discriminate. Eva is a trained counsellor but her own journey through to recovery has been impacted by stigma.  
 

Six years ago, I reached the lowest point in my life.  

Having three children under the age of four at that time, I was constantly exhausted with sleep deprivation. A lack of family support in Australia, I felt alone in my parenting journey. My life was isolating and overwhelming.  

Together with childhood traumas and a toxic relationship pattern playing out in the background, the emotional pain became unbearable. On top of that, I was still recovering from a childbirth with constant hip and knee pain, which made my usual coping strategy - going for nature walks – a challenge for me.  

My children provided me with tiny glimmers of hope and strength for holding on but at the same time I felt like a burden to them.  

There were moments when I felt like ending my life was the only option.  

My partner at the time and I were in a counselling profession, and I felt ashamed that I could not pull myself out of the heaviness I was feeling. Despite the fear of being judged and of losing our career future, I knew deep down that we needed help. 

Getting help for myself was easier said than done. I tried reaching out to Lifeline several times but every time my courage diminished, and I hung up before getting through.  

With my suicidal thoughts becoming more constant and panic attacks more intense, I eventually found the strength to pick up the phone and reached out to Mental Health Triage out of desperation.  

Two clinicians arrived within 24 hours. It was helpful having that physical and emotional presence. I will never forget that feeling of them being there for me and listening without judgement. I felt accepted and heard and that planted a seed of hope for my recovery.  

Recovery was not a linear path for me. Once I had a brief hospital visit when I was close to ending my life. I still clearly remember that time after I shared my story with a mental health nurse - instead of being met with compassion, I was met with “you should have done better than this”. In that moment my body went numb - I felt like I was already covered in shame and simply could not cope with more. 

There were people who genuinely tried to help. “Are you okay?”, they asked. No, I was not, but the reality is sometimes it’s easier to put on a mask to pretend that everything is fine. 

I now understand that some of my limitations, unseen at the time, kept me from getting the help I needed. What helped me through was not one specific person or event. It was a slow journey of self-acceptance and self-compassion. I took one step and each moment at a time and acknowledged that sometimes surviving the previous minute is an achievement itself.  

By sharing my story, I would like anyone who is struggling with suicidal thoughts to know that you have been doing the best you can with the limitations you have, be it a limited mindset, circumstances you feel stuck in or limited resources. You are trying your best. Be gentle on yourself!  

For those supporting someone who is struggling, please remember that we do not know fully what another person is going through. Build a level of compassionate curiosity and continue to be brave and have a supportive and non-judgemental conversation.  

Every day I am grateful to be here, and I am grateful that my three beautiful children get to grow up with a mother.  

I am also grateful for every single person who played a part in my journey. Even though there were times when I did not feel supported enough, I know they were all trying the best they could to support me, with the limitations they had at that time. 

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